6/20

My last full day on the Bodrum Peninsula. I rose fairly early and again walked to the public beach — first stopping for what turned out to be the best omelette of my life. Of course, I also enjoyed a türk kahvesi.

My stomach was still turning from the previous night’s (admittedly delicious) spicy lamb sandwich I devoured past midnight at the shop down the street from my hostel.

At the beach, I finished reading This Side of Paradise by F. Scott Fitzgerald. I quite liked the novel, particularly the ending — marked by a lengthy conversation between Amory and his dead college buddy’s father in which Amory outlines and defends socialism (though he does not agree with the theory whatsoever). “Finally, I know myself, but that is all.”

I felt an air of loneliness throughout the whole day, but felt confident that I chose it. In the evening, I hiked to the top of the city for a view of the sunset. I sweat like a pig all day.

6/21-6/22

As I sit atop a roof in Istanbul looking over the sea — the Ayasofya and Blue Mosque in view on the near horizon, the Galata Tower no more than 100 yards behind me — why do I wish for time to pass? The sky is always beautiful in Istanbul. Morning, afternoon, and night. The clouds, broken and scattered, move quickly over the land.

Today, I did a hamami on the asian side of the city. After being hassled by carpet sellers for hours yesterday, today has been much easier on the soul.

The hamami starts with stripping your clothes down to a thin plaid towel and getting properly sweated in the stream room and sauna. Then, the 70-year-old Turkish man intensely scrubs your whole body with an exfoliating oven mitt — after which, he washes you head to toe using a bar of soap.

The full shower is followed by an oil soap massage — performed on the hexagonal, marble centerpiece of the 16th century bathhouse. You are then welcomed into the lounge where another man towels you off and offers tea. You tip the men and leave feeling refreshed.

On the walk back to the ferry, I ate the most incredible lamb shank stew. I’ll have to make it one day.

6/23

When I see beauty — when I am reminded of the sheer scale of the world, and I do not have someone I love by my side to share it, my loneliness is compounded. I feel unsteady. I have felt a weight on my heart and throat for days. Yet, I struggle to pinpoint why I feel this way. Simply, I could chalk it up acute homesickness, but I know something deeper lies in this feeling.

Enjoyable things can be quite straining. To me, a good life is lived at the edges of the spectrum of human emotion. How can you expect to know true peace if you have not had it taken from you for days? Sorrow begets happiness.